Atlanta Women Leaders Association Chapter Meeting: Having Difficult Conversations

Let's welcome our first keynote of the day, Gina Barbado. She'll be presenting on having difficult conversations. Gina has been successfully navigating clients towards and throughout retirement for over 30 years. Through many of years of experience, she has learned how to handle complex investment decisions and ever changing market conditions. Gina joined UBS in May of 2012 after a successful 24 years at Morgan Stanley. She prides herself in the ability to help reduce the stress of her clients as they move on to the next phase of their life. She does this by tailoring a comprehensive financial plan and asset allocation. She's able to achieve this. Gina earned her BS degree in business administration from Robert Morris University in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Let's all welcome Gina. Are you on the line? Can you hear me? Hello. Hi. Yes, we can hear you. Great. So, I'm just going to get your deck loaded. Thank you. And the floor floor is yours. Well, thank you all for having me here. Um, I really find this is an honor to be invited. So, let me just jump right in because I know time is valuable for everybody, especially these days. Um so if we could possibly start maybe on slide three or page three of the slides. Um so you know having uh difficult conversations one of the most important roles um that you have in your life as as a communicator. Whether you're leading your team in the workplace, parenting a child, navigating a personal relationship, or taking care of your clients, the ability to share and receive information is a vital skill.
Having difficult conversations can be challenging, but the willingness and ability to tackle touchy topics will set you apart from the rest of the pack. By following these four key steps, you'll remove the obstacles that may arise next time you must engage in an uncomfortable conversation. And although this my slide says step three twice, please know that that's an error. Um, okay. So, next slide, step uh page four, please. Um, so the first step, prepare for the conversation by beginning with the end in mind. What are you what are you actually trying to achieve? Planning a preparing for the conversation can turn down the volume of the apprehension that's going on in your head. Often we avoid difficult discussions because we're worried about um we're worried that having them can actually make the situation worse.
The reality is that that delay often contributes to the worsening conditions, not the conversation itself. It's important that you expect a positive outcome. So 10 years ago, I had to share some information with a family member and I knew the news would not be well received. My sister was getting married and was not getting married in the Catholic church. It was my job to tell Aunt Mary she's 4 feet n attends daily mass and is 100% Italian. I wasn't looking forward to this conversation as and I was concerned that my relationship with her would be damaged by the discussion. So I put it off as long as possible. I knew it was important that we have a positive resolution to discussion but I was not optimistic at first.
We'll get back to my Mary in a minute. Um, what would be the ideal outcome from your perspective? As you explore the possible results of the conversation from your point of view, take the time to examine your motives. According to Joseph Granny of the Harvard Business Review, he says, 'Our motives become shortterm when we're faced with stressful circumstances. Short-term motives preserve the present.' by mortgaging the future. So like when you're faced with the prospect of coaching a difficult team member, it may feel more comfortable to wrap the criticism in complimentary language. However, the end result might be lost because you know you offer compliments and that lose sight of what's actually needed which is more productivity.
You know a tough conversation takes place but the most critical elements may be lost or misunderstood. The present is preserved at the expense of the team member becoming not becoming as effective. In this case, the desired outcome is to be a more productive contributing team member. So, never lose sight of the desired outcome. During this phase, it's also important to examine any role that you've played in allowing the current situation to evolve to this point. Be prepared to acknowledge your part in the current situation and to commit any changes that you need to make. Next slide, please.
Step number two would be gather facts. The very nature of a difficult conversation implies that each party is entering the discussion with opposing views. As you compile the data, look at the information with a dispassionate eye. Separate your emotions from the issue at hand. Don't allow anger, fear, hurt, or defensive feelings to creep into your viewpoint as you prepare for the discussion. Facts by Mary. The facts are pretty clear. My sister was not getting married in the Catholic church. My aunt Mary has the pope on speed doll. Not good. Separating my fear from this discussion was going to be tricky, but I knew I had to do it. Next slide, please. The conversation having the conversation face to face is optimal, but it's not always possible, especially in these times.
In a face-to-face meeting, it's important that everyone's at the same eye level. Whether you're meeting in person or virtually or even on the phone, be mindful of your voice. Speak in a calm, matterof fact tone. A possible opening would be, 'I'd like to talk with you about blank.' When expressing your concerns, be very clear and provide specific examples. Um, you know, a lot of times people just say, 'Well, I'm not happy with the service, like in a restaurant.' But that doesn't help them to prove the service. You have to be clear about what the problem is. So, provide facts before you express the conclusion you've drawn. By definition, each party comes to a critical conversation with different points of view.
After you state your facts and your conclusion, you must be willing to allow the other party to challenge your case and to state their views. Be empathetic. Think about other parties feelings and allow them to process their emotions. Encourage them to ask questions. Do not interrupt. Consciously listen rather than merely waiting for the other person to stop talking. And I'm sure we all know people do that do that these days. You you just listen. You wait for your opportunity to talk and not necessarily listen to what they're saying. Make certain you understand what the other person has said before you respond. Divorce yourself from the need to be right. Approach the conversation with openness and an interest in problem solving.
Avoid yelling or swearing. Refrain from finger point fingerpointing either literally or figuratively. Keep to the topic at hand. You know, now is not the time to revisit past transgressions if they have nothing to do with what you're talking about today and offer a solution. The whole point of the conversation was to improve a situation. My conversation with my aunt Mary was face to face. I was clear and specific and listened without interrupting her. Number one, she's my godmother, my aunt. And you know, I love her dearly. I have to say she understood and and was fine with my sister's decision. Thank goodness. Step number four. Next, next slide, please.
The conclusion. Make certain that both parties have a clear understanding of the situation and the and the agreed upon solution. Reinforce your desire to continue a positive relationship with the other party. Both my aunt Mary and I had a very clear understanding of the situation. After our discussion, I planned out the conversation, imagined a positive outcome for all of us, which was difficult. I stated the facts and then listened to her point of view without interrupting. She understood the logic of my sister's decisions. All of the fear and apprehension that I built up in my mind before a conversation was unnecessary as most often is the case with any conversation. The anticipation of the difficult conversation to be, you know, provided proved to be much worse than the actual conversation itself.
So, you know, whatever your role, I hope that these four basic sty step steps can help you navigate your difficult conversations and allow you to turn your under uncomfortable discussion into positive outcomes. Um, the just to review um how to handle difficult conversations with confidence. Step number one, prepare for the conversation by beginning with the end or the resolution in mind. Gather your facts. actually have the conversation. So many times we can talk kind of talk ourselves out of having a conversation. And step four is the just the conclusion of actually getting it done. Um I apologize if this is a little shorter than I anticipated, but I'll take any questions now.
Yeah, it was great. I mean, it was to the point and I like that. Um, you know, you can, you know, it was it it it's very clearly laid out in this presentation. You know, just know what you're talking about. Except for my typo. I know your typo. I didn't even notice it. Um, I did today.
It's all right. So, I'm going to go ahead and open up the floor to some general discussion. Um, if you would like to ask a live question, you can do so now by hitting star six on your keypad or you can obviously uh click anywhere on that slide and uh type out your question and I'll be more than happy to uh to read it for you. So it it we'll open up the floor now and see um see what we come up with for the question.
I have a quick question. Sure. Go ahead. Um, so if you want to if you need to have this difficult conversation, but you need to have it going up. So like you are a minion and you need to have it with a manager. That kind of already sets like walking in. Do you have any advice on that situation?
When you say walking in, you mean walking into the conversation or walking into where that person is the conversation? Um, yeah. You're already that start I was at a disadvantage simply because I was struggling um I I think that that's the I mean I guess I would still follow the same four steps think of the positive outcome I would mostly think of what my actual outcome is desired like if it's just to level a complaint about something or some aspect of your work world that's one But if you're actually going to have this complaint with an idea on how to fix it, then I think that that's a better way to approach the situation. Um, you know, so determine what your outcome is going to be and then I would just be straightforward, lay out the facts, listen to what they have to say, um, and just pray that they just aren't dismissive to you in that situation.
if they're a good manager or director or or whatever the case may be, they should be able to follow these steps themselves. Absolutely. Thank you for that. I have a couple of written questions um that I'm just going to ask the first written question. Um so the first one uh from um Trisha, how do you uh how do you handle different personalities uh communication styles uh how do sorry I'm going to try this one more time and read this Trisha um how do different personality communication styles play into your strategy?
Well, it's kind of like you can only control what you can control. So you if you know the person then know your audience type of thing, then you could kind of cater your side of the conversation to try to have them understand your desired outcome. If you don't know that person, then you can only deal with what you know, which is how you handle it. But you know what I tried to present here too is kind of a logical format for having a conversation with somebody that could be a difficult situation. And you just, you know, keep personal things out of it. Um, and just you can only can control your style if you don't know that other person's style.
Absolutely. Not sure that answers the question. I think so, Gina. I think so. Uh, does anybody else have a live question they'd like to ask? Hi, I have a question. This is Laya Dickerson with the Census Bureau. Um, and thank you so much for this. This is really good refresher on how to handle difficult situation uh a difficult conversation which I'm pretty sure all of us encounter every single day. Everybody has an aunt Mary. I know whether it's at work or at home or with friends, you know, it's a difficult conversation is always had. But here's a question that I was just thinking about. Um, what if the parties that you're talking with don't believe that your intentions are good?
You know, a lot of times you have a conversation with someone um and they bring in personal issues about you. So therefore, you have to how do you convince how do you change their mindset to know that your intentions are good when they don't believe that they are because of something personal? Right. That's a great question and I wish I had like a perfect answer for you. You know, the thing of it is you can't you can't it's hard to do that to change that person's mind and for to have them sort of act maturely and follow along the sort of conversation rules. The best you can do in my opinion was don't get caught up in their back and forth rehashing or whatever the case may be and just stick to the facts.
Be clear, be concise. And then maybe depending on the level of frustration on both parts parties, maybe you have to revisit it, you know, and and this and then come back to it when people have, you know, sort of cooler heads prevail. Um, you know, because and and you may never completely convince somebody. You can only do the best that you can with um you can only do the best you can with trying to prove that point to them. Just but again like I think like the one of the things is to be clear with them but also try to gear your conversation towards the end result. There's not time. I mean, not every conversation is going to go the way we need it and we just have to try to stay focused on the facts and and you know to get and are is this happening or are you just afraid that this is happening or going to happen?
Okay, thank you. Thank you. I have a uh I had a written question from Ginger. Uh, is there a difference with uh take talking to a male versus a female? That's also a good question. Um, you know, there's so many differences between men and women in this, especially in the business world. So, I would kind of do this the things that I've that I've summarized here. I would be to the point to the tea on these kinds of points. I think women are more an emotional, but I don't mean emotional bad way, just have a little bit more passion or just a more compassionate group of people or more empathetic group of people than I think men are in the workplace.
So, they're more sticking to the facts. So, I would also I would just very be very concise, stick to the facts, don't let anything emotional play into it and like really force yourself not to give in in any way, shape, or form. Don't let them suck you into to succumbing to anything. Absolutely. Absolutely. Would anybody else like to ask a live question? Yes. Um can you just maybe talk through um a difficult conversation that just didn't go your way at all? And maybe what was like a big learning or takeaway that really was like an aha moment for you? Oh, okay. Let's see. So I have kind of like a current situation and it's it's making it difficult because I have a client So I have a client whose husband recently passed away and not to get too specific here but let's just say
that not everything with the resolution of his assets played to the way that this spouse wanted it to go. So, I'm still struggling. It's every day. You know, I think it's a lot she's going through. You know, she's mourning. So, she's not listening to me. No matter what I'm trying to get across, I'm trying to physically see her. Like, I just think sometimes it's easier face to face. And but she's not open to that. And
um I guess I don't know really I'm still kind of working through this right now with her and I guess one of the things is just an aha moment would be just the level of patience that I have to have and I because of my industry I have to be very careful
with like um like her complaining about me because that turns into a bigger situation. So, I'm just trying to navigate it, navigate through this with her as slowly as possible, repeating several times, documenting every conversation, and I still not at the desired outcome yet, but I'm working on it. I just I guess my biggest thing with this situation is patience, but I'm not through it yet. Even every conversation that I have with her is a challenge. I don't I don't know if that helps or not.
Oh, thank you. Would anybody else like to ask a live question? I would. Hello. Okay, go ahead. Um, what do you do if you're in a conversation with somebody and they won't be quiet? How do you how do you get your word in?
That's also a good question. That's also a tough one. We see that happening every day. Um, you just have to, I guess, try to let them finish. I pro I personally would probably say, you know, can I please respond? Will I have the opportunity to talk? Will I have the opportunity to respond to what you're saying? Or you is this just where you're telling me a certain thing and this is this is not a conversation. This is just a lecture. I mean, like in in board meetings, I mean, there just seems sometimes it's really hard to slide in there and and make a comment. Um, you know, do you in the board meetings, do you raise your hand?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what's rescued me a number of other times just in other women saying, I think she's trying to speak. I mean, and it goes both ways, but it's just just really unbelievable. This is still goes on. But anyhow, thank you for your feedback. Right. Sure.
Good luck. Yeah, we'll mute it. Right. How do I mute? Can you hit me? I don't know how to mute again. Star six. Star six again. Okay. Thank you. Did that work? Yeah. No, it's okay. It's okay. I'll global mute before we go to the panel. All right. So, don't worry about it. Um, yeah, some great questions coming through here, Gina. Uh, I've got another written one.
Okay. Uh, so actually it comes from Ginger again, and you may have kind of addressed this earlier, but how do you diffuse the difficult person if they're becoming emotional during the conversation? I mean, you know, like I said, you let them try to talk. You try to listen, really listen to what their emotions are, but at a certain point, number one, I don't believe that like because someone's upset. Maybe you take a little bit of, you know, brunt of that, but we're humans, too. And we shouldn't have to just give in and take anything that people throw at you when they're in a situation. So, in my opinion, I would be as polite as possible and just try to end a conversation and come back to it when that person's calmed down.
That's really the best thing because nobody's getting anywhere by shouting that. And believe me, I've tried. Doesn't work. No, you're right. You're definitely right about that. Shouting will most likely not get you anywhere, right? When one person's emotional, it's going to probably lead to shouting before anything else. Both both of you shouting.
Absolutely. Um, cooler heads prevail. I don't know who said that, but remember. All right. Does anybody else have uh another live question before we move on to the panel for today? All right, I'm going to take that as we have no more questions for the uh for the first keynote. Uh Gina, thank you so much for doing this. Oh, thank you guys. I really appreciate this. It's it's been an absolute pleasure. I'm so happy that you got the live questions. Uh some really great live questions and some really great answers. So, I hope to have with us again. Definitely. I hope so too. I hope so too. And I appreciate everybody and and everybody's free for you to reach out to me personally if they wanted to talk further.
So, thank you so much.